So I just read that Kevin Federline has requested full custody of his two children with Britney Spears. Now I realize that no matter what the outcome of this, neither option is to be considered "In the best interest of the child". Britney's lack of depth in the parenting field has been widely documented through her many missteps such as no car seats and allowing her first born to slide out of his high chair onto the floor. I must say though, if I had to choose between Skanky Spears and her creep husband (soon-to-be-ex) K-Fed, I would choose Skanky anyday. I am quite sure that K-Fed has not showered since the Clinton administration if not before and seems to be confused with why his albums are not selling. I'm pretty certain that the man-pris immortalized by him contributed highly to his downfall (he didn't have very far to go anyway). I guess Britney wasn't as great a wife as he claimed two weeks ago. We should all feel grateful, though, that none of us has to walk this planet with the names Sean Preston (gag) and Jayden James (vomit) Federline. That is the true shame in this situation.

So, something unusual happened in my Advertising class this afternoon. There was a guest speaker who was going on about target audiences when the Rocky theme song begins blasting through the speakers. Some kid in a referee's uniform comes onto the stage blowing his whistle while two of who I'm sure were two of his closest Budweiser pals come running down the sides of the auditorium. One kid was dressed as Jesus with a seriously bad jheri curl (not that any type of jheri curl is good) and the other was wearing some sort of cow get-up. It came with the requisite udders and strange hoodie head with a nose that protruded quite obnoxiously from the top of this person's head.

They run up onstage, actually it was more like a nose dive/slide with the kid in the cow suit getting his udders stuck on the edge of the stage. They then preceded to have a mock boxing match with the referee screaming out incomprehensible calls. While this is transpiring, the guest speaker stands in one of the aisles in amazement making his own commentary like "Who wants to bet on the cow?". Eventually, after the cow had pinned Jesus to the stage floor with his spotted knee, Jesus overcame the farm animal, winning the "match". The cow, I think out of sheer frustration from defeat yells, "This is bullshit!" and runs from the stage embarrassed to have been beaten by a guy with a jheri curl.

After they all leave, the guest speaker, clearly clueless to what was happening, asks if anyone knew about the situation and if it happens a lot. Apparently, as I was just as confused, the presently popular form of humiliating new people in fraternities is to make them interrupt large lectures and act out ridiculous situations such as the faux Rocky I have described. Doesn't it make you wonder why more people aren't joining the Greek system. I mean, who wouldn't want to wear a jheri curl or cow suit?

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

Puppy! I miss my dogs terribly. Thank God I'm going home this weekend.

This is my first entry in quite some time. I am attributing this to many factors outside the realm of my control. It was only today that I decided I needed to resume this practice for myself, if no one else. These so called "factors" have interrupted me from doing things, like writing here, that I really enjoy. So, without further delay, I will start.

This summer, if nothing else, has been eye-opening. My grandmother, who was always an energetic woman despite her 85 years of living, was diagnosed with lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain in the form of three or four tumors. It was very disheartening discovery given the fact that she seemed healthier than most of the people in my family. To make a long story short (and therefore to torture a cliche), the majority of my summer was spent helping the rest of my family take care of her as she could not be left alone. She eventually went through two weeks of radiation to her head which was painful to see, especially when she lost all of her gorgeous silver hair. She never complained, though, and chose to take the dignified route by buying a wig, which I helped her select. At the beginning of August, my mother, my sister, and I wanted to take her to Lake of the Ozarks due to its close proximity to St. Louis. She really wanted to go but was always insistent that she did not want to be a bother. We took her anyway.

The day before I left for school, the doctors had discovered a blood clot in her right leg as well as pneumonia. She was already in the hospital, because she had been diagnosed with a virus which caused ulcers in her mouth down her digestive system and into her intestines. When I went to the hospital to visit, she was visibly upset and told my mom and me that she was afraid and asked if she was going to die. We had all known the gamut of her condition, and my mother could only answer truthfully. My grandmother, who was never someone to cry in front of others, cried into my mother's shoulder. I ended up leaving shortly after. I kissed her cheek and told her I would see her later. That was Thursday. She died the next Wednesday.

I had always known that this disease would be what took her life. I was never prepared for the swiftness of her death. It is consolation to know that she was ready when the time came. She told my mother that she wanted to see my grandfather who died in 1992. She also told my mother that she had had a good life, which she believed had been extended by 43 years of borrowed time. She was diagnosed in 1963 with breast cancer which, back then, was considered an immediate death sentence. She did survive though, and she led the rest of that with dignity and class. This is something I hope I achieve in my lifetime as well.

Needless to say, the last few months have been the most exhausting I have experienced in my 20 years. I guess one way to look at my situation is that it can only get better. Hopefully.

So, I have been in a rather depressed state lately due to the fact that the U of I is a dreadful place filled with professors and their impossible expectations (i.e. the SEVEN papers I have had assigned and due in the past week for the SAME class). Also, I tried out for a really talented women's a capella group on Wednesday, only to have them tell me I have too much vibrato and "a voice too big for the group, but please try out again next year!" Right. Then, I was nominated treasurer of my choir, only to be beaten by a girl in the now horrid a capella group. Not that anyone really WANTS to be treasurer of anything, but still. I guess you could say it was the worst week I have had since...um, never. 

So, I have tried to think about lighter subjects, such as when I get to come home, Highland gossip via my mom (who tried to buy away my depression with two books at Borders that look fabulous and that I can't read right now because of other, more demanding tasks), and my ideal spouse who originally came in the form of Robert Redford after watching "The Sting" this week on AMC. Then, my friends kindly pointed out that he is indeed pushing 70 (if he's not already there), a detail that I would rather ignore. Actually, they gave me a stare that bordered on questioning my sanity. Who can blame me, though? The man is still good looking, and will always be an iconic American figure in popular culture. 

Suffice it to say, I began to consider my other options. It didn't take long as my iTunes was gleefully on shuffle and played a Josh Groban classic. He's cute. He's got a voice that will melt whatever. What's not to like? So, I decided to do some research. I then discovered that there were several flaws in my plan to become Mrs. Groban. Obstacle #1) He has a girlfriend of THREE years. The only ray of hope here is that I can't see it lasting. Her name is January Jones, and she has been in movies like "Love Actually". She was one of the girls in the Milwaukee bar that Colin visits. Her character's name was Jeanie, or something. I think I could take her. Obstacle #2) He has absolutely no idea who the hell I am. There is no elaboration on this one. It's a fact, plain and simple. Obstacle #3) I am still in college, a situation that does not allow me to become a Joshie-stalker anytime soon. I wonder if Robert Redford has ever heard of Champaign, IL? Worth a try.

A survey compliments of 3_foot_6:

How many keys are on your keychain? 
Two. One for my room at school, which the asshats at the front desk charge you $10 per every five minutes you check out the spare. The other is for the car I drive. I really need a key to my house, because every time I go home, I have no way to get in. and I am left sitting on my front porch like a true loser with no house key. 

Do you own an iPod?
Yes. Is God until it goes ape shit, and I call Apple only to have the fuckers tell me I have to pay $50 to get tech support. Oh hell no.

Who on your Myspace "Top 8" do you talk to the most?
To quote said 3_foot_6 "I do not use Myspace because I am not a whore." While this statement of whoredom may not apply to all that use it, I still think it is just another form of making stalking incredibly easy for some John Hinkley Jr. copycat. Poor Jodie Foster. 

How many suitcases do you own?
None. I mooch off of my parents' matched luggage when needed.

Do you wear flip-flops even when it's cold outside?
When I wore them on Monday, I screwed up my knee again, and my Uncle Bob instructed me to wear "old people shoes' until the situation is rectified. Will follow this rule per his instructions as to avoid any further screwage with my already gimpy knee.

Where do you buy your groceries from?
Late-night's fabulous selection of junk food.

Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
People get tired of me re-applying my lip gloss and take pictures without me. Selfish whores.

What was the last movie you watched?
Wedding Crashers. Great.

Do any of your friends have children? 
If you mean people that are friends that are my age, no. If you mean friends in general, I guess. But I try to stay away from what my mother and I have deemed "Devil Children" aka spawn of Satan kids who run around slapping people with a wiffle ball bat with icing smeared on his face. 

If you won the lottery, what's the first thing you would buy?
Hard to say. I hate to sound irrational, but I'd probably buy myself a Border's store so I would never have to buy a book again.

Has anyone ever called you lazy?
No. But I tend to feel lazy a lot.

Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
The first time I ever took Tylenol PM, I took two and collapsed while walking up stairs. Suffice it to say, that was also the last time I took sleep-inducing drugs.

What CD is currently in your CD player?
CD's suck. iTunes rules.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? 
Please. Regular milk. Preferably 1%.

Has anyone told you a secret this week?
No. Thank God.

When was the last time someone hit on you?
The last time we went to the bar, some guy tried to grab my ass. Does that count? Considering his inebriated state, I'm guessing not.

What did you have for dinner?
Honey wheat pretzels and a Dasani.

Do you wear hoodies often?
I really don't like to, because my hair gets caught in the hood, and it bunches up under my coat, and practically hangs me like Daniel Day Lewis in the Crucible.

Can you whistle?
Yes. I also blew my rape whistle once without cause. Not cool.

Have you ever participated in a protest?
The people that protest here are freakin insane. They chant things like "You are all going straight to hell unless you join our allegiance!" Crazy bitches are outside their minds.

Who was the last person to call you?
People call, but I don't really answer the phone.

What is your favorite ride at an amusement park?
Amusement parks are not my thing. They are dirty (especially the bathrooms where there always seems to be a foot of dirty, tepid water on the floor), over-priced, and you smell bad by the end of the day. (Plus, your hair always makes you look certifiable by the end of the day.)

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
I'm sure they do,  but I don't give a rat's ass.

What area code are you in right now?
217 (Unfortunately.)

Did you watch cartoons as a child?
Tom and Jerry rocks.

How big is your local mall?
I don't think Marketplace Mall should even be considered a mall. I hate it with a passion. Give me the Galleria anyday.

How many siblings do you have?
One.

Are you shy around the opposite sex? 
Given the fact that when I am interacting with the opposite sex, I am usually drunk at Clybourne's, I'm gonna say no. 

What is your biggest regret?
Not studying more.

When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt?
Probably when we were busted for freestyle dancing and opera singing after drinking last Thursday.

What movie do you know every line to?
My Fellow Americans. "If I have to listen to you bitch, don't be surprised when I beat you to death with my shoe!"

Do you own any band t-shirts?
No.

Do you own any movie t-shirts?
The Goonies.

When was your last plane ride?
Over Christmas to L.A.

How many chairs are at your dining room table? 
There are supposed to be six, but people steal them and they disappear only to show up again in odd places like the bathroom.

What is your favorite salad dressing?
Honey Mustard.

Do you read for fun?
Please. Don't insult me.

Can you speak any languages other than English?
SOME Spanish. Not a lot, but I could fake it. I might insult a Spanish person by accidentally calling their sister a dog. Honest mistake?

Do you do your own dishes?
If I don't, they grow mold which is gross.

What color is your bedroom painted?
Cream with cream accents on the ceiling.

Have you ever cried in public?
I did today. Embarrassingly.

Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Desktop.

Which do you make: wishes or plans?
Well, I wish I could plan something that I actually followed through on, so...

Are you always trying to learn new things? 
Trivial, crap things that don't necessarily expand my intellect.

Do you shower on a daily basis?
Always with no exceptions. And I mean none. I would die before not showering.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? 
No.

Do you believe that the guy should pay on the first date?
I think the guy should pay period. Chivalry is so lost these days.

Can you skip rocks?
Actually, my dad tried to teach me, but I just ended up hitting people with rocks instead.

Have you ever been to Jamaica?
Jamaica mon? No dreadlocks for me thanks.

What to snack on at the movie theatres?
Popcorn. A classic.

Who was your favorite teacher?
Mrs. Martz. The woman slurred her speech more than Betty Ford, but I love her!

Have you ever dated someone out of your race? 
No.

What is the weather like?
35 damn degrees. 

Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Oh hell no. I have a thing about this.

Do you have an online journal?
Hello?!?!?

What was your favorite class in high school?
English.

Do you enjoy traveling via airplanes? 
Yes. That is until the captain does the turn thing when the plane goes on its side. Then I want to ralph. 

What personality trait is a must-have in the opposite sex?
I nice person who is smart. Dumb people are just a no.

Have you ever been attracted to someone physically unattractive?
No.

When was the last time you slept on the floor?
I don't sleep on floors. I'll kill for the bed.

Does your closest Starbucks have a drive-thru? 
The closest Starbucks is a good mile from my dorm. I go to Espresso Royale. 

Do you like your living arrangement? 
Ehnn. It's okay. 

What is your mother's hometown?
Highland.

How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
I've had two before and not killed anyone so that would be my guess.

Do you eat breakfast daily?
I should, but no.

What was the last thing to scare you? 
That movie Saw. That is one fucked up concept. Plus the clown in the wheelchair was a little too much for me to handle. 

Are your days full and fast-paced?
Sometimes.

Did you ever get in trouble for talking in class?
No. I hate talking in academic situations.

What is your favorite fruit?
It's a tie between apples and bananas.

Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? 
Only when Jessica pointed out that there were almost 1,000 calories in the honey bun she had just purchased. She then began justifying the impulse purchase by declaring to divide it into several servings so as not to clog her carotid all at once. 

How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
20 in two weeks.

Are you picky about spelling and grammar? 
Yes. Very. 

Do you believe in life on other planets? 
After E.T., of course I do. 

Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes, but this falls under the whole amusement park thing. Not a fan.

Do you believe that God has a gender?
Never really thought about it.

What was the last thing you ate?
Those pretzels.

Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
Both.

What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?
Raggedy Ann.

Do you like mustard?
I hate mustard, unless it is honey mustard. Ketchup is my true condiment of choice.

What do you tell yourself when times get hard? 
Life sucks and then you die. Then I go out and buy myself a lip gloss or DVD. 

Would you ever sky dive?
Me and heights equal very bad consequences.

Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
If I can't sleep on my side, I can't sleep.

What character from a movie most reminds you of yourself?
I don't know, but I do relate to some characters.

Have you ever bid for something on ebay?
Yes. And I have won. Watch out, though. eBay is sneaky and addicting.

What do you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
I really wish they would stop parading around the third world nations of the globe toting those adoptees behind them before they think about more kids.

Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yup.

Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
I try to look presentable which basically consists of sticking to classic looks like cardigans, button-downs, and jeans.

If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?
I would feel bad, but I would also be unwilling to compromise my feelings.

What celebrities have you been compared to?
No one.

Who is your favorite Star Wars character? 
I will be stoned for this, but I have never seen a Stars Wars movie. Ever. 

Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
I do it, so no.

What books, if any, have made you cry?
That damn Nicholas Sparks and his schmaltzy romance/death tearjerkers get me every time.

Do you think you're attractive?
Sure.

What are you allergic to?
Penicillin and Sulfa. I have no idea what the latter means, but I'm not sure I want to. 

Are you a jealous person?
I don't think so.

What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? 
Depends on the situation. 

Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat? 
No, because I love meat. A lot. 

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name have been? 
Benjamin.

Did you ever celebrate "Pi Day" in school?
Yes. Coincidentally today (technically yesterday) was pi day.